The following is an unofficial interview with Jesus Christ.
INT: First off, thank you for meeting with me.
JC: Yeah, it's fine. I wasn't doing anything.
INT: I'm just gonna start with the interview. Is that all right with you?
JC: No. It's all left (he winks). Okay, whatever, yeah let's get on with it.
INT: What's it like being the most famous man in existence?
JC: I don't know. People expect a lot out of me. Wars, buildings, Chick-Fil-A, everyone wants a piece of me. I'm not gonna front and say I wasn't a little butthurt when John Lennon said "The Beatles were bigger than Jesus," because I was. But, I'm not taking it too personally. After all, I'm only like 5'4, most people are bigger than me. I'm no Tyrian Lannister, but I'm short. That's what I'm trying to say.
INT: But, what's it like being Jesus?
JC: I mean, I've never had to wait in line for a concert or a show. That's pretty cool. Also, no one gives me a problem about not wearing pants. It has its perks.
INT: Seems a little anticlimactic. You're on record doing some pretty wild stuff.
JC: It's all P.R. I had a good publicist. Back then, you needed a good staff, hah! Pun! I didn't have a staff, Moses did, I just thought it was funny.
INT: It wasn't.
JC: It's a generational thing. My disciples were really into me. Imagine 12 people following you.
INT: I have 400 followers on Twitter.
JC: Okay, so you get the point.
INT: I guess. Anyway, can you really heal Lepers?
JC: Leopards. I healed leopards. I dealt with animals a lot. My publicist didn't think healing leopards was as relatable as healing a Leper. To be honest though, I don't even know what a Leper is.
INT: It's a person who's body parts fall off.
INT: So, is there anything else you wanna put out there?
JC: Like sexually?
INT: Not really. Actually, yeah, that'll definitely stir up some controversy. Let's talk about that.
JC: Yeah, um, sexually speaking I don't really have much to talk about.
INT: So why did you bring it up?
JC: I wanted to sound cool.
INT: So, then you should've made something up. I wouldn't have known the difference.
JC: Can I start over then? Like can you delete what I said before?
JC: Awesome. Yeah, so tons of puss. I was doing the sex like all the time. Preaching and sexing, sexing and preaching.
INT: Wow, man. Sounds like you really killed it.
JC: Well, now it's hard to get a date.
INT: That sucks. You ever try to work on that?
JC: It's too big a cross to bare.
At this point I had to get up and leave. I couldn't handle the situation anymore. From what I got out of the interview Jesus was way more interested in word play than actually keeping with a rational thought. I'm no Rhode Scholar, but I, at least, understand how an interview works or at least how it's supposed to run. I thought it would've gone better, I was wrong. After I got up, he grabbed me by the wrist and asked for some change. I gave him a couple of bucks and went on my way.
Jesus Christ interview: 4/10 stars. Would not recommend to a friend.