Isaac Newton: A Big Phony

Today, I am able to enlighten you with my exclusive interview with Isaac Newton. You might be familiar with his work as the man who discovered gravity, but more importantly, he's the man who discovered where apples come from. So, without further a do, here's Isaac. 

INT: Mr. Newton, it's a thrill for me to meet you. You were able to accomplish so much, with little to no support.

NEWTON: Well, thank you. It's an honor to be here with you. I hope to really delve into some really serious scientific conversation. 

INT: Oh, yes, of course. This is a no nonsense show. People have compared my lecturing style to be a more knowledgeable Neil Degrassi Tyson.

NEWTON: I believe it's Neil deGrasse Tyson. 

INT: Let's move on. 

NEWTON: Alright. Well, I'm excited and ready when you are. 

INT: Okay. So, I've been apple picking before. Does that make me a scientist?

NEWTON: Excuse me?

INT: Gravity. Let's talk gravity for a second. 

NEWTON: Okay.

INT: Admit you got lucky.

NEWTON: What are you implying?

INT: I'm not implying anything. I'm inferring that you're a self-proclaimed genius, who got lucky when an apple fell on his head. 

NEWTON: Sir, did I do something to you? 

INT: If you don't mind, I'll be asking the question. Who do you think you are?

NEWTON: What is going on?

INT: I SAID I ASK THE QUESTIONS!

NEWTON: Listen, I think you should see a doctor or something.

INT: Would you say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

NEWTON: What is wrong with you?

INT: What?

NEWTON: I was under the impression that we were going to be discussing top findings in the field of science.

INT: AND I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU WERE THE GUY WHO MADE THE iPHONE!

NEWTON: I think I should go. You aren't stable. 

INT: I'm just messing with you Newt. Let's get on with the interview. So, you are considered to be the foremost influential man in the field in science. Well, I have one question for you then...what was your dad like? 

Newton: My dad?

INT: I heard the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. 

NEWTON: Are you serious?

INT: What?

NEWTON: What did you invite me here to accomplish?

INT: I'm trying to bring my audience serious interviews but I won't sit here and let one bad apple ruin my series. 

NEWTON: Is this a joke to you?

INT: A joke?! This is hard-hitting journalism my friend and if you can't see that, then I'm beginning to rethink my whole perception of you entirely. 

NEWTON: And what was that?

INT: The apple of my eye...

NEWTON: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS INTERVIEW.

At this point Newton jolted up from his seat, ripped off his microphone and stormed out of the room. He must've needed to use the bathroom or something, but I don't know. All in all I had a great time, I can't say the same about Newton, but hey, who's he anyway. 

Isaac Newton interview: 7/10 stars, would recommend to a friend (just make sure you talk about apples the entire time)