Abe Lincoln & George Washington: Two Grumpy Old Men

Today, I had a chance to sit down with two former presidents, Abe Lincoln and George Washington. I originally booked them separately but I skipped Washington's interview to go roller blading. So, they both reluctantly agreed to be interviewed as a pair. I ended up rolling my ankle. Not from the interview, but from roller blading. My foot did fall asleep during the interview though. 

INT: I wanted to start off and just let you both know how excited I was that you both agreed to meet with me.

LINCOLN: Absolutely.

WASHINGTON: It's our pleasure. 

INT: So, I guess we'll just begin. What's it like being who you guys are. You, a man who started a country and you, a man who gave freedom to an entire race. 

WASHINGTON: It's a bit overkill honestly. 

INT: What is?

WASHINGTON: The whole president thing. I was just a place holder. I was a good general, sure. But, I never intended to be a president. Imagine all the shit your president deals with now. Now take that and put it 200 years in the past. You know how long it took to get anything done?

INT: I guess I never thought of it like that. 

LINCOLN: Yeah, he has a point. They worst thing you guys deal with now is if someone doesn't respond to a text message fast enough. We had to worry about if our horse died or if are horseman got shot in the face. 

INT: Speaking of getting shot in the face, do you ever regret going to the theatre that day?

LINCOLN: I specifically told my manager I would leave if you brought that up. 

INT: I'm sorry, but, I mean, come on. That's one of the 2 biggest things you're known for. 

WASHINGTON: He's right, you have getting shot in the head and freeing the slaves. I chopped down a cherry tree, and had wooden teeth. 

LINCOLN: Then yes. I should've stayed in that night but Mary kept nagging and nagging that I never take her out anymore. Blah, blah, blah. You know what I'm talking about. 

WASHINGTON: Bitches be trippin. 

INT: That they be. Okay, so we talked about the head shot. Now let's talk about when you freed the slaves. 

LINCOLN: That's probably what caused the head shot. 

INT: Well, yeah. I would assume so. 

WASHINGTON: What the fuck was that about man.

LINCOLN: What was what about?

WASHINGTON: You were always such a try-hard. 

LINCOLN: A try-hard? You literally did nothing. Claiming how hard it was to get anything done as a president 200 years ago. You could literally do whatever you wanted. I had a civil war to deal with. 

WASHINGTON: Big deal! I fought the British!

LINCOLN: The British? The fought in a straight line. We were fighting against the south. Have you ever spoken to a guy from down there? They're gross, missing teeth and shit. 

WASHINGTON: What did you just say?


WASHINGTON: What did you just say? 

INT: I believe he said "they're gross, missing teeth and shit." 

WASHINGTON: You bearded fuck.

LINCOLN: You watch your mouth, old man. 

WASHINGTON: You're dead. 

LINCOLN: Easy there running your mouth or you're gonna get a splinter. 

At this point Washington leaped over the table and started to strangle Lincoln. It was a pretty awesome fight. I quietly left the room and let them do their thing. They were 2 bitter, old, angry men, it really wasn't worth breaking up. It was an interesting interview though. All things considered, they were pretty cool guys. A bit aggressive, but cool.

Abe Lincoln & George Washington interview: 6/10 stars, would maybe recommend to a friend