Isaac Newton: A Big Phony

Today, I am able to enlighten you with my exclusive interview with Isaac Newton. You might be familiar with his work as the man who discovered gravity, but more importantly, he's the man who discovered where apples come from. So, without further a do, here's Isaac. 

INT: Mr. Newton, it's a thrill for me to meet you. You were able to accomplish so much, with little to no support.

NEWTON: Well, thank you. It's an honor to be here with you. I hope to really delve into some really serious scientific conversation. 

INT: Oh, yes, of course. This is a no nonsense show. People have compared my lecturing style to be a more knowledgeable Neil Degrassi Tyson.

NEWTON: I believe it's Neil deGrasse Tyson. 

INT: Let's move on. 

NEWTON: Alright. Well, I'm excited and ready when you are. 

INT: Okay. So, I've been apple picking before. Does that make me a scientist?

NEWTON: Excuse me?

INT: Gravity. Let's talk gravity for a second. 

NEWTON: Okay.

INT: Admit you got lucky.

NEWTON: What are you implying?

INT: I'm not implying anything. I'm inferring that you're a self-proclaimed genius, who got lucky when an apple fell on his head. 

NEWTON: Sir, did I do something to you? 

INT: If you don't mind, I'll be asking the question. Who do you think you are?

NEWTON: What is going on?

INT: I SAID I ASK THE QUESTIONS!

NEWTON: Listen, I think you should see a doctor or something.

INT: Would you say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

NEWTON: What is wrong with you?

INT: What?

NEWTON: I was under the impression that we were going to be discussing top findings in the field of science.

INT: AND I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU WERE THE GUY WHO MADE THE iPHONE!

NEWTON: I think I should go. You aren't stable. 

INT: I'm just messing with you Newt. Let's get on with the interview. So, you are considered to be the foremost influential man in the field in science. Well, I have one question for you then...what was your dad like? 

Newton: My dad?

INT: I heard the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. 

NEWTON: Are you serious?

INT: What?

NEWTON: What did you invite me here to accomplish?

INT: I'm trying to bring my audience serious interviews but I won't sit here and let one bad apple ruin my series. 

NEWTON: Is this a joke to you?

INT: A joke?! This is hard-hitting journalism my friend and if you can't see that, then I'm beginning to rethink my whole perception of you entirely. 

NEWTON: And what was that?

INT: The apple of my eye...

NEWTON: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS INTERVIEW.

At this point Newton jolted up from his seat, ripped off his microphone and stormed out of the room. He must've needed to use the bathroom or something, but I don't know. All in all I had a great time, I can't say the same about Newton, but hey, who's he anyway. 

Isaac Newton interview: 7/10 stars, would recommend to a friend (just make sure you talk about apples the entire time)

Abe Lincoln & George Washington: Two Grumpy Old Men

Today, I had a chance to sit down with two former presidents, Abe Lincoln and George Washington. I originally booked them separately but I skipped Washington's interview to go roller blading. So, they both reluctantly agreed to be interviewed as a pair. I ended up rolling my ankle. Not from the interview, but from roller blading. My foot did fall asleep during the interview though. 

INT: I wanted to start off and just let you both know how excited I was that you both agreed to meet with me.

LINCOLN: Absolutely.

WASHINGTON: It's our pleasure. 

INT: So, I guess we'll just begin. What's it like being who you guys are. You, a man who started a country and you, a man who gave freedom to an entire race. 

WASHINGTON: It's a bit overkill honestly. 

INT: What is?

WASHINGTON: The whole president thing. I was just a place holder. I was a good general, sure. But, I never intended to be a president. Imagine all the shit your president deals with now. Now take that and put it 200 years in the past. You know how long it took to get anything done?

INT: I guess I never thought of it like that. 

LINCOLN: Yeah, he has a point. They worst thing you guys deal with now is if someone doesn't respond to a text message fast enough. We had to worry about if our horse died or if are horseman got shot in the face. 

INT: Speaking of getting shot in the face, do you ever regret going to the theatre that day?

LINCOLN: I specifically told my manager I would leave if you brought that up. 

INT: I'm sorry, but, I mean, come on. That's one of the 2 biggest things you're known for. 

WASHINGTON: He's right, you have getting shot in the head and freeing the slaves. I chopped down a cherry tree, and had wooden teeth. 

LINCOLN: Then yes. I should've stayed in that night but Mary kept nagging and nagging that I never take her out anymore. Blah, blah, blah. You know what I'm talking about. 

WASHINGTON: Bitches be trippin. 

INT: That they be. Okay, so we talked about the head shot. Now let's talk about when you freed the slaves. 

LINCOLN: That's probably what caused the head shot. 

INT: Well, yeah. I would assume so. 

WASHINGTON: What the fuck was that about man.

LINCOLN: What was what about?

WASHINGTON: You were always such a try-hard. 

LINCOLN: A try-hard? You literally did nothing. Claiming how hard it was to get anything done as a president 200 years ago. You could literally do whatever you wanted. I had a civil war to deal with. 

WASHINGTON: Big deal! I fought the British!

LINCOLN: The British? The fought in a straight line. We were fighting against the south. Have you ever spoken to a guy from down there? They're gross, missing teeth and shit. 

WASHINGTON: What did you just say?

LINCOLN: What?

WASHINGTON: What did you just say? 

INT: I believe he said "they're gross, missing teeth and shit." 

WASHINGTON: You bearded fuck.

LINCOLN: You watch your mouth, old man. 

WASHINGTON: You're dead. 

LINCOLN: Easy there running your mouth or you're gonna get a splinter. 

At this point Washington leaped over the table and started to strangle Lincoln. It was a pretty awesome fight. I quietly left the room and let them do their thing. They were 2 bitter, old, angry men, it really wasn't worth breaking up. It was an interesting interview though. All things considered, they were pretty cool guys. A bit aggressive, but cool.

Abe Lincoln & George Washington interview: 6/10 stars, would maybe recommend to a friend

 

Jesus Christ: A Real Bum

The following is an unofficial interview with Jesus Christ. 

INT: First off, thank you for meeting with me. 

JC: Yeah, it's fine. I wasn't doing anything.

INT: I'm just gonna start with the interview. Is that all right with you?

JC: No. It's all left (he winks). Okay, whatever, yeah let's get on with it. 

INT: What's it like being the most famous man in existence?

JC: I don't know. People expect a lot out of me. Wars, buildings, Chick-Fil-A, everyone wants a piece of me. I'm not gonna front and say I wasn't a little butthurt when John Lennon said "The Beatles were bigger than Jesus," because I was. But, I'm not taking it too personally. After all, I'm only like 5'4, most people are bigger than me. I'm no Tyrian Lannister, but I'm short. That's what I'm trying to say. 

INT: But, what's it like being Jesus?

JC: I mean, I've never had to wait in line for a concert or a show. That's pretty cool. Also, no one gives me a problem about not wearing pants. It has its perks.

INT: Seems a little anticlimactic. You're on record doing some pretty wild stuff.

JC: It's all P.R. I had a good publicist. Back then, you needed a good staff, hah! Pun! I didn't have a staff, Moses did, I just thought it was funny. 

INT: It wasn't.

JC: It's a generational thing. My disciples were really into me. Imagine 12 people following you. 

INT: I have 400 followers on Twitter.

JC: Okay, so you get the point. 

INT: I guess. Anyway, can you really heal Lepers?

JC: Leopards. I healed leopards. I dealt with animals a lot. My publicist didn't think healing leopards was as relatable as healing a Leper. To be honest though, I don't even know what a Leper is. 

INT: It's a person who's body parts fall off.

JC: Gross.

INT: So, is there anything else you wanna put out there?

JC: Like sexually?

INT: Not really. Actually, yeah, that'll definitely stir up some controversy. Let's talk about that.

JC: Yeah, um, sexually speaking I don't really have much to talk about.

INT: So why did you bring it up?

JC: I wanted to sound cool.

INT: So, then you should've made something up. I wouldn't have known the difference. 

JC: Can I start over then? Like can you delete what I said before?

INT: Sure...

JC: Awesome. Yeah, so tons of puss. I was doing the sex like all the time. Preaching and sexing, sexing and preaching. 

INT: Wow, man. Sounds like you really killed it. 

JC: Well, now it's hard to get a date.

INT: That sucks. You ever try to work on that?

JC: It's too big a cross to bare.  

At this point I had to get up and leave. I couldn't handle the situation anymore. From what I got out of the interview Jesus was way more interested in word play than actually keeping with a rational thought. I'm no Rhode Scholar, but I, at least, understand how an interview works or at least how it's supposed to run. I thought it would've gone better, I was wrong. After I got up, he grabbed me by the wrist and asked for some change. I gave him a couple of bucks and went on my way. 

Jesus Christ interview: 4/10 stars. Would not recommend to a friend.